Just a coincidence that the numbers are all two’s. It is just another one of those days that is more shitty than others. But that is how long it has been since that one suicide attempt that you know of. I remember that day very well. A lot of shit lead up to that day, and I was happy to let it all go. I was ready. A last message to let you know what has been on my mind and off to the finish line. ...
It’s been almost two years since I did something for myself. Just for me, because I really needed it. That’s not anything like me, but I really wanted it at that time. It was the right time. Too much pain piled up. It needed to end. All of it. I sent a couple of texts and was ready. Got into my truck and went off to the place where I had good memories. I walked around for a bit, looking for a good place. ...
I really hate secrets. They’re too much work. Too much to remember, like what to keep from who, and if I do tell someone, who do they know and such. But since secrets, big or small are inevitable, the few that I do have, I don’t share with anyone. There are also those things that I want to share with others, like what I think of something, or someone. Or how I feel about myself, and my life. I learned that I can’t share that either. When I have a strong opinion or feeling about the purpose of life, or my life specifically, people get real emotional and tell me that I should get help. Last year I’ve had that help, professional help. It’s not useless, but not truly helpful either. The limitations of what professional help can do for a person make it so that you need to learn to suck it up and not pursue what you truly believe in. They usually go the easy way, by saying that I need to accept things that I find unacceptable. Or walk away from people that mean the world to me. ...
You did what you had to do to protect yourself. You knew that what he said about us hanging out wasn’t true, but he made it true. His version of the truth is, and always will be, the only acceptable version. You were not left with a choice other than to give in. That was the drama that you told me about. For you having to deal with that drama every time we met, shows me that is was worth it for you. I’m proud that you chose what was best for you at that moment. Remember that you have friends who understand, suffer with you, and support you, no matter what. ...
When an issue arises, and you want to fix it, there are several ways to go about it. These are the steps that I took. I looked into why it happened, as it came so sudden and unexpected. Did I cause it? There is a fair possibility that I did; sometimes I’m too blunt, too unfiltered. Without looking into it any further I took my loss, eventhough I din’t feel that I did anything wrong. Sure, it hasn’t been a conversation that I would have had with just anyone, but it was a friendly, respectful two-way conversation, with both of us bringing up talking points. The conversation ended in a friendly way, and I thought nothing of it. ...